i stayed in uk for 4 years and came back last year. during these years, i was very poor. good food is out of my budget and good house too. i was living in a office building, and there was a fire station by the side of the building. after came back, i put a lot of food in my body and bought loads of stuff to fill my space. i got fat, very fat. it's crazy. i started to work as a freelancer, trying to get all the investment back when i study in uk. it's working but i started to feel like the computer is becoming a new organ. i created a lot of sound work using computer, and fed it to my audiences. i got a bit confused, i think im using the computer like a dick.

i still need money and pursue my career on the audio programming, but now im trying to find gaps to isolate with this organ sometime. the computer stays in my living room, so i turned another small bedroom to a reading room. but i do reading for a purpose, it is for my freelance work as well. to be honest, i wish i could do this naturally, not for benefiting myself. but i couldn't avoid the nature of myself, when i realise this i always feel disappointed. the ideal image of myself is a calm person, dont make decisions relying on its desire.

and it is so lame to say, wish im another person. or worse, a person who has a dick. im so confident at pretending when i didnt realise i was, that's why im a awkward performer.

and the past, when i was approaching music through field recording and sample manipulating, spend a lot of time in the woods, singing, i always feel the eager to find it back, but it's hard. my desire needs me and it's eating my energy. it drags me back before i take a step outside, to my living room, i feel disappointed at myself again.

i should not have an ideal image of myself. this is bad for mood. but how can i grow properly without a goal? i think i need more moments, which couldnt be defined as success or failure, done or not done.

these thoughts sound like im sad. but im still happy that i find a way to measure my work during this year. more students seeking for my help, and im getting more and more professional. for worship the outcome of my career, i booked a nice hotel near westlake for my upcoming birthday. i wont take my laptop, maybe even not a book. there's a cliche way to call this - staycation.